


Everything Is (Not) Good

by druidwolf



Series: My Closest Friend [1]
Category: X-Men (Movies), X-Men (Movieverse), X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Also Post X-men: The Last Stand, Angst, Gen, M/M, Post X-Men: First Class, Slash Goggles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-11
Updated: 2014-04-11
Packaged: 2018-01-18 22:38:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1445425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/druidwolf/pseuds/druidwolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takes place after what happens on the beach. </p><p>Erik discovers the bullet he pulled from Charles' spine in his pocket and thinks of the impending war.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everything Is (Not) Good

**Author's Note:**

> Raven's decision to go with Erik, even with Charles' urging, seemed to weird to me, since her brother had just been shot. So because of this (and Charles saying "I can't feel my legs" to Moira AFTER Erik and co. had left) I figured they wouldn't know that Charles can't walk.

He doesn't even realize he has it until that night.

After Azazel takes them away to one of Shaw's remote (yet so overtly lavish that Erik doesn't understand how it can be considered a "hide out") homes, Erik doesn't say a word to anyone. He chooses a small room he assumes must have belonged to a maid or butler and doesn't leave for the remainder of the evening and no one dares try to come speak to him.

After spending hours trying to wash off the feeling of what he did in the submarine void, he's getting ready for bed and notices his uniform laying on the bathroom floor. He picks it up to throw it away, because there's no point in him keeping it. Their little superhero team of mutants is dead. The revolution is about to begin and he's starting to come to terms with the fact that they can't all be on the same side.

It's when he's holding the gaudy yellow and blue fabric. It just falls out of the pocket and clatters on the tiled floor. At first he thinks it might be a stone or something from the beach but then he picks it up and he immediately recognizes the compressed piece of metal.

Erik moves to throw it in the trash as well but he stops. He can't. He just looks at it and sees Charles pained face saying to him, "She didn't do this, Erik. You did."

He runs his fingers along the crushed edges and he can hear Charles lecturing him that killing Shaw won't bring him peace. Erik didn't want to believe him but after spending three hours rubbing his skin raw, in a shower that ended with him screaming until all the metal in the room was bent or broken off, he finally has to admit that Charles was right.

That's not what bothers him though, because he sort of expected it. Charles is right about a lot of things.  
Erik went into that submarine knowing full well that there was a good chance killing Shaw wouldn't make him happy. He had always been accepting of the possibility of Charles being right because what's pain to Erik?  
His entire adolescence was dipped in pain and anger and so much hate. He can handle pain, he _knows_ how to live with pain. But it wasn't supposed to be Charles that suffered the consequences of Erik’s actions. Not the one person who truly understands him, who showed him the good that still exists inside him. Erik wasn't prepared for his decisions to hurt the person he values above all others.

He throws the uniform into the too small waste basket and crawls into bed with the bullet floating in slow circles around his fingers. He feels guilt stir inside him as he wonders what Charles is doing right now. Is he in some hospital room slowly recuperating and trying to explain the missing bullet to some imbecile doctors? Or perhaps he's already back on his feet and recruiting again.

The feeling thickens when his thoughts drift to his mother. For so long, his memories of her had been all but lost. They had been obscured by all the years of pain and hatred until the only thing Erik could really recall about his mother was the complete anguish he had felt when Shaw shot her down in front of him.  
And then Charles had given him back those memories.

Charles had believed in him, taught him he was more than just a weapon. Since his mother's death, Charles was the first person in Erik's life to try and reassure him of that.

He can't imagine what his mother would think of him now, if she would still believe that he isn't a monster. The thought makes his stomach twist.

He wonders if Charles still thinks that.

They would both, mostly likely, be disgusted with him. He can accept that though. Erik doesn't want to be a weapon, but there's a war coming, and that just might be the best thing he can be. The bullet stops weaving through his fingers and settles itself in his palm.

Every war brought with it casualties on both sides and this war will be no different. Mutant lives will be lost and if they are on different sides he can't protect Charles. He hates that Charles isn't with him. This is not how it was meant to be, it’s so wrong. Erik envisioned the liberation of mutants with Charles at his side and at his back.

As much as he loves Charles he can't help the surge of anger he feels at his friend's stubborn refusal to join him. But Charles isn't a man of war. He's not like Erik, he can afford to keep his optimism because he hasn't seen what Erik has.

The humans will never be able to accept them, Erik knows that, and maybe after things take off Charles will finally understand that too.

_"You did this."_

He sets the bullet on the bedside table. Erik can't help what's going to happen in the future. As he and his people carry out their plans he hopes to avoid the loss of fellow mutants. He has nothing against those who believe in peace with the humans, he just thinks them naive. But even so, some lives will be lost, and that is regrettable.  
But not Charles.

Despite their differences, he'll keep Charles safe at all costs. Charles Xavier is too important to mutant kind: his ideals, his research, his abilities.

He’s too important to him.

Erik turns over and settles into bed with a vow that, this time, war would not take someone he cares about.

-

He can feel the weight of their eyes on him as he makes his way across the yard. Out of the corner of his vision he can see Ororo Monroe standing at the window of what is now her office, watching him. Erik doesn't understand their need to observe him like hawks, it's not as though he poses a threat to anyone anymore.

He kneels on the ground and bows his head because he's not sure what else to do. When he had made the decision to come he'd thought the hardest part would be getting past the front door, not this. Erik hadn't planned for this because never in his life had he not known what to say to Charles.  
Words ran through his head but any he deemed acceptable got caught in his throat the moment he opened his mouth.

Erik doesn't believe in God. Occasionally, he acknowledged the Jewish holidays and every once in a while he would step inside a synagog, hoping it would inspire some kind of faith in him, but it's hard to have faith when you've witnessed so much suffering.

He's not quite sure what Charles' view on the matter had been but he can't help but wonder about it now. They must have discussed it somewhere in all their years of conversation. As he thinks, he vaguely remembers Charles stating that though he was a man of science and not particularly religious, he'd seen things so extraordinary and remarkable that he was not opposed to the idea of a divine entity. Though that could just be Erik's own imagining.

He'd been doing that a lot lately. Thinking about Charles, imagining what he would say if he were here. Erik would sit in the park with his chess board and long for the stimulating conversation of his favorite opponent, his heart heavy like a lead weight because he's the reason Charles' isn't here. The Phoenix may have carried out the act but Erik had not prevented it, he pushed her.

He looks up at the iron portraiture and engraving, the weight in his chest somehow growing heavier.

**Charles Xavier**

**Father  Teacher  Leader**

Erik reaches into his jacket and pulls out the mangled bullet whose presence in his pockets he has been incredibly aware of these past few weeks. He runs his finger along the circumference of it one last time before setting it down beside the eternal flame.

He blinks and feels a set of tears race down his cheeks and Erik can't remember when he started crying. No amount of words could relieve him of the iron ball and chain of guilt that has become permanently attached to him, but he finds himself searching for them again anyway.

He heaves a sigh and brokenly whispers, "I'm so sorry, my friend."  


 

**Author's Note:**

> I have a prequel sitting in my computer folder of Charles looking further into Erik's mind after he moves the satellite. It's totally done I just need to edit it. 
> 
> Come talk to me about superheroes, Marvel, and DC on [tumblr](http://imminentalpha.tumblr.com)


End file.
